take me as i am

sam just called me, and dropped a bomb on me. He has to go for a surgery in 3 month, else he would only have around a month or 2 after that. it kinda sucks thinking about it, because he said he would only go for surgery within the late 3 month, and i might not even be in singapore due to my attachment in china.

2 outcomes to the surgery,

1. he recovers and everything as per normal
2. he recovers with a memory loss.

not that bad for a side effect, at least he wont die. but then again, his 2o years worth or memory. gone. it isnt just about remembering who was in his life. facebook and other social networking site will remind him. he will still know he have friends like us. but the feeling will never be the same anymore. everything that shaped him into what an awesome friend is now will be forgotten. he might be a different sam that we know. and that really sucks. on top of that, i might not even be there during his surgery or there for him when he wakes up.

the guys plays a big part in my life. knowing them can be considered as one of the best thing that ever happened to me. They made me realized more about me and hold a different perspective to events happening.

Within 5 month, the relationship between me and the guys changed. partly cuz i neglected them. being closer again with my secondary school friends, being more lesbian again. now, having an awesome girlfriend. (audrey, i know you are reading this.) i cant multi task when it comes to friends. i can only have 1 clique. sometimes that 1 clique can bring me headaches. how can i handle 2?

to aaron:

you really suck, (and i dont really care if you are reading this now. cuz im actually quite tired of your attitude.) and i wonder what actually made me think this way. it sucks that everytime i see you in school, i look like a happy kid. waving to you like i never seen you in ages. but your reaction to me, was just. okay, you nod and head and walk off. yeah, i’ve known you were like this since year 1. but it just sucks and irks me. Even worse, when i introduced you to audrey, you didnt even acknowledge her existence. for gods sake, she is you so called “good friend” ‘s girlfriend. cant you just be nice and maybe just nod your head like you always do, and not ignore. Acting like you didnt hear me, especially when i know you did. fuck you and fuck your guts. another thing, i told you guys- you and wee that im officially attached to audrey. she’s my girlfriend, and told you guys private stuff, cuz that is what we always do. but i never expected you t make a joke out of it calling her my boyfriend since she is the manly one. or asking me if im the manly one instead. hell, she is a girl, im a girl. therefore girlfriends. dont use wayward logic to cover up your conservativeness toward the gay community. im your friend. if you cant accept me for the way i am, then i dont need you as a friend. and when i told you stuff, i expected it to be between us. not telling the group about what i said in the conversation. if i wanted to tell them, i would have. i dont need you to go around announcing it on my behalf. im lazy, but not to that extend- i dont need help for that. and it sucks that part of me not wanting to answer the group calls is because of you. i hate your guts and your attitude. And i dont see why you can accept going out with marilyn and me last time, and now not even acknowledging audrey’s existence.

for hell was i feeling guilty for not being there for you when you were drunk because your girl. it seemed to me that since y’all hardly ever do ask me out anymore, why do you need t called me when you’re down? i know cuz you treat me as a friend, thats why you are calling me. but think of it from my p.o.v. will you feel like a friend anymore when i dont even acknowledge you in school. i guess not. so understand when i dont really care about you anymore.

dont say i dont try and make an effort. i did ask you if you wanna meet for dinner instead of mj- and dont think i dont realise it, you only asked me for mj cuz you were short of a player. not like you ask me out the previous times y’all had mj sessions- and you didnt even reply to my text after i suggested dinner with yall first instead of mj. so, i do have every right to feel that way.

okay, im quite lazy to go on. i want to watch my gossip girl):!

to wee.

my number 1 guy friend. sorry aaron, wee took over ‘your’ spot. i know ive been neglecting you guys a hell lot. but we all know that we are busy with our own lives now. not that i wont make an effort contacting you guys. but i guess you are right in your post. we are not as close as we think we are. topics to talk about ran out eons ago. you have your buddies to hang out with that you are more comfortable with. they are your true friends you know. and im not saying this to be sarcastic. i feel that they are as awesome as they can get. its like you guys are practically family. not even friends or buddies. guess we dont really know each well enough. but i am glad that i can tell you stuff, and know you will keep it to yourself. and you know too, that what you told me will be between us always. see dude! thats called TRUST! im glad that i can always turn to you when im troubled, or send you ranting text bout stuff. considering how it would be an entertainment to you. I KNOW YOU LOVE MY RANDOM RANTING TEXT! HEHE.  dont deny, you told me that yourself.

and i know i keep telling you we should meet up soon, but we never really did meet up. so…. that sucks. haha. well, i miss you alot ya~!

to sam!

i really pray that you go for surgery asap. because i really want to be there for you when you wake up. sam, you are the most sensitive guy ive known so far. you know when im sad, or when something is troubling me. and you have the best way for showing concern. just sitting down and staying by my side. not saying a thing. just playing your iphone games. might not seem like much, but it means alot. to know that there will always be someone there when im down actually make me feeel a lot better. even though it woulnt be at the point of time when im emo, but when im better, your actions will make me feel even better. lol. idk how t phrase it. but yeah.

so please, go for surgery asap. cuz i really wanna be there for you. <3

to friends!

met up with important friends today. actually managed to get things off my chest. to voice out everything im really feeling. so she said she will control. and in turn i will voice out everything im feeling. be more dorminant, not so passive in everything. hahaha! ookay i get it.

sometimes i feel like killing you for real, but sometimes i feel like killing you with my love. hhahaha. im actually glad we 3 managed to talk things out. so as cliche as it may sound. FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!

to the love of my life. -cliche again. hehe

i know we are going through this rough patch now. with all the stress from school and family. i believe we will get past this. you know i love you right. and i know you do too.

too much jealousy in a relationship kills it. and yes i agree. pau, maintain ah! so dont get jealous so easily ah! cuz ultimately, you know you are the one that branded me as AUDREY YEO QUAN WEN’S GIRL. so no matter what, im reallly yours. and you know that its you i always think about every single day. more than i expected i would from the start of the relationship.

no one can handle me but you. all my princess behavior and suddenly whining like a baby, which i know will give you a shock. heheh. but i love it how you wont judge me, and i can be as annoying as i want to. and you will still call me silly love and pat my head. but non of these can ever beat what i feel when ever a see you. its like you glow. <3

its funny and amazing how we can talk about everything. including how t ask me or you to be mine or yours. haha! and how we will catch a grenade for each other and end up fighting for the grenade. maybe in the process, we might both die. hey at least as the chinese saying goes, we might not be born on the same day, but we will die on the same day, same time. be lovers till our next lifetime maybe? hehh. how we can say, “see i hold your hand firstt!” and pout. how we can keep looking like we are quarreling, but actually melting inside.

audrey, you are amazing. WE ARE AMAZING.  so the following year might be a tough one for us. but have faith that we will make it through. long distance relationship is the norm now. plus the current web technologies, we will just be a screen away from each other! i love you audrey. i really do.

dont say i do stuff you dont deserve. its my love for you, and i decide how i want to shower it on you. dont dictate how i should love you. hehee!

 

 

okay! that was good. pouring everything out! feels so much better!

 

 

 

 

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